If you think it's racist, it probably is?

I've been anxious to write about this since last evening when the events took place, but I figured I'd sleep on it to give it some time to digest.

Back story:

My wife is a runner. It's her thing. Soccer is my thing, board games are our thing, her thing is running. She struggles with motivation sometimes and has found a local group to run with several times a week. I have to say, her level of enjoyment, and some of the races she has run in are inspirational. Obviously, it's no Copa America, Euro, or World Cup, but to her credit, these races are obtainable for someone of my age and physique, whereas the aforementioned tournaments are not. At least not in a sense of participation outside of spectating.  

Last evening summary: 

Last evening was the 5-year anniversary of the run group that my wife is a part of. She has really grown to love this group in the short time that she's been a part of it. She really enjoys the support. I didn't really realize how much this was part of the schtick as much as it was until we went to this event for the 5-year anniversary last evening. Nor did I know much about the group itself other than it was a bunch of people that ran together. "Together" is relative, by the sounds, it seems as though they mostly just run the same route at the same time.  

There was a big hoop-dee-do event that celebrated what an achievement this is for the group - and to their credit, it is. Both individual accomplishments of completing marathons to people 'only' completing 5k's, as well as group accomplishments of the same, let alone sustainability of 5 years. 

After listening to the speakers of the group, I found myself more motivated to run. There was one individual who was asked to speak, he was a larger fellow, was a professional photographer, he was friends with the founder of the group. He would always tell the founder that he was going to get out there and run with the rest of them instead of just taking photos. One day, he actually did. He spoke about what a challenge it was, the first part of the run was relatively easy, he ran most of it and only walked a little bit of it. As he moved on with the route, he found that he was walking more frequently and there was someone always part of the group to push him on to go farther. As he got to the last part of the route - a VERY large hill in the area, well known to the group, and everyone in the theatre began to chuckle when he brought this up in his story; He said "I ran up the hill - kind of. Then I walked up some of it, and one of the runners who was in the group came from the top of the hill, and then another, and they ran with me. And then I walked, and they walked with me. And then again, I began to run, and they too ran with me. When I finally got to the top of the hill, do you know what was there? 20 other runners who were part of the group, cheering me on at the top - that's what this group is for me, family, this group has turned an individual sport, into a team sport" 

He told that story so eloquently. I don't do it justice, and he had to do it in front of a theatre full of people. He did it off the top of his head, which made it feel that much more genuine. It was motivating. I found myself desiring that level of support. It made me want to get out there and run - to have that team camaraderie, I've missed that for so long, even though I get it in snippets in other activities. But I won't lie, I reached a high level of emotion in relating to his story. 

This is where the story takes a turn. There was an undertone of the evening that I didn't appreciate, and please allow me the opportunity to fully explain before passing judgment:

There were probably 8 people who spoke at this event, not counting 7 people who were part of the debut of the documentary that was filmed by Brooks Footwear and was part of the group that formed a panel discussion toward the end. All of these speakers were African American. The run group itself was founded by an African American man. Awesome, right? However, there was very much a theme to the evening that was 1a to the topic of running. 

Many of the speakers that spoke last evening spoke about how the areas that they were running through had special meaning to them. They ran on streets that they lived on, neighborhoods they had once lived in, past locations that had sentimental value, or recalled events that prompted memories as they proceeded along the route. These people said they felt that this group was a 'safe space' for them, as many times in the past they had been the only person of color in previous run groups that they had previously run in. As such, they felt alone in that group, unsafe (I'm assuming on this one), and not fully supported in the way that they felt in this group. Some of them said 'We run these streets' and that they were going to run down the middle of the street, even if a police car was driving past at the same time. On more than one occasion I heard individuals speak about how they finally felt 'seen', that there was little to no representation of black individuals in the long-distance running space. 

Firstly, why is this necessary to address? 

But also, color me confused. 

I honestly cannot think of a white track athlete outside of Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner - who is arguably most famous not for his/her days on the track. Carl Lewis, Usain Bolt, Michael Johnson, Marion Jones, Jackie Joyner-Kersey. While those are all sprinters of the 90's and early 2000's (yeesh, I'm getting old), those are who I think of when I think of running. Even a model for me growing up running track and field. I can't even name a marathon runner. White or Black.

But NO representation??? 

If you're reading this, you likely know me, you likely know my background. I grew up and spent many years, the weekend after the fourth of July volunteering at the Utica Boilermaker 15k race. My parents were HAM radio operators and would help get attention to a runner who was injured along the way. In the meantime, I would be working at the nearest water table to provide the runners with water. There is a joke in Utica... a city LITTERED with Italian heritage that "the Utica Boilermaker is 10,000 Italians chasing 8 Kenyans" 

There have not been many occasions when I saw a runner finish in the top 15-20 who was white. On the occasions it did occur, I happened to know the young man, I ran track with him and he went on to run in college as well - I think his best finish was 17th. Other than that, it's been largely people of color who have gone on to win the race and, overwhelmingly, the top 10 finishers have been of color. 

All of this leads me to the point. I've been to many events throughout my lifetime... This may have been my first 'black' event, if not, it was likely my second. I went into it with an open mind: "I am not a runner, I would like to be - maybe this is a channel for me to begin this journey. Worst case scenario, I am here to support my wife." 

It wasn't. Only the latter occurred. 

I find it hard enough to get it into my mind that I want to go out and run. I don't want to be inundated with the roots of this organization and surrounded by buzzwords of 'safe space', and 'inclusivity' as an active pursuit. 

I just want to enjoy running! - Living the experience that the man who ran up the hill had - with 20 people at the top cheering me! is that really so much to ask? why the sideshow as well? 

My issue is that I've gone to many events, Boy Scout meetings, company award ceremonies, and referee board of directors meetings to name a few. I never found that anyone was speaking about skin color, whether the group was homogenous or not. The aforementioned buzzwords are not even used. 

Obviously, this must mean they aren't safe, or inclusive, right?

I'm not even sure what 'safe' means within this context. 

People will point to me being white as the reason for all of these thoughts. Which is where I have a secondary problem with bringing this up that leads me to an infinite loop cycle: 

1. Because I noticed a trend in the evening of this "1a" topic and take issue with it, I've come to understand that is racist.

2. If I say "I don't think I want to be a part of this group - they focus a lot on skin color" -- then for that reason I'm also racist.

Leading me to believe that the only way to not be a racist here is to be supportive and/or join the group. 

It's an odd dynamic. They were the ones talking about skin color, or at the very least, skin color adjacent 'issues', not me. Everything I said in the first few paragraphs above had me perfectly fine running with the group - until this very noticeable topic begun to weave its way throughout the evenings ceremonies.

I was hopeful that this get-together and celebration would lead me to some motivation... and that worked - somewhat. The short-term effect has been positive. I'm just disappointed that my hesitancy to join this group is even further from where it was than before I went to the ceremony. 

...and that's sad. 

Bagels and the inverse square law

There is a huge debate as to how great the local Bagel shop is here in C'ville. This debate exists between the people I know in C'ville who are from out of the area vs those that were born and bred here. 

Or as I like to say, the debate exists between those who know and those who don't. 

stupid UVA kids. 

...and their parents. 

...and anyone who disagrees with me. 

The hottest place in town for a bagel is a location known as "Bodo's bagels", there are 3 locations within the city limits - and as a native new yorker, they are actually pretty good. I frequently stop by and pick up a bagel on the weekends. As long as the line frequently is, it REALLY moves along. In fact, I would recommend stopping by if you are ever in town. 

I feel like that is saying a lot.

If New York is known for anything food wise it's 1 of 3 things. 

1. New York Strip steak.... 

2. New York Style pizza... 

and (a distant)
3. Bagels.

To provide context on my criteria for evaluation, I would like to point to my CV on pizza. I worked a good portion of my life at 3 different places where I made pizza throughout high school and college. I've seen several pizza's cradle to grave - from mixing the dough to serving it. 

Whoop-dee-do, right? - what does that have to do with Bagels, right? Hold on. I'm getting there.

Unless you've MADE a pizza, in a commercial setting, you don't know what goes into making it. Maybe you made some at home, I assure you, it's vastly different. But let's put it this way: if you could make a burger that tasted like the one you can get at McDonald's, you probably would find yourself at McDonald's a lot less frequently. That's not to say if you're reading this you frequent McDonald's often... it's just proof of point.

The materials that are sourced for a pizza commercially are vastly different to make a pizza than you have access to as a consumer. Even when you have access, often, the quantity of which you can buy it affects the taste. Let me ask you this, when is the last time you bought flower for ANYTHING and used it immediately as it came through the door? 

A 50 pound bag of flower would go into the mixer within a week of it arriving through the door -- and we had a pallet of bags that would last a week.  

Everyone has had a crappy pizza but everyone says it's still good even when it's bad because you can cover up a bad pizza with good things and it can be off set with good other things. Pepperoni... Peppers... mushrooms... pineapple - if that's your thing. But the basis of a good pizza is perfecting the dough, sauce, and not going cheap on your mozzarella cheese. 

This leads me to bagels. Which are far more nuanced. There's no hiding behind toppings. But admittedly, i've never made them, but i've been around the best ones known to the world. 

Because a bagel is such a mild, if not, bland, taste... I feel like there is a law of accelerated returns at play. The difference in making a GREAT new york bagel and a GOOD (unknown) charlottesville bagel comes down to the details. For example, the water itself. I've gone to places that say "new york style pizza" that have been great pizza and when asked why it's so good, they say that the dough is made in new york because the water used cannot be replicated. 

The. Water. 

The friggin minerals and crap that is in new york water makes a difference. 

I imagine it's no different with bagels. This is why I believe there to be an inverse square law. In order to double how good a bagel tastes, because it is so nuanced, you need to quadruple the work you put it it. Bodo's may be making new york 'style' bagels, but are they sourcing their water from new york? are they sourcing their other materials? What else goes into this? Altitude? 

This is my argument... if you haven't had a bagel from New York then really, you you have no metric. You might as well ask a fish how to climb a tree. 

One final note. I have gone to some great bagel shops in New York... and it has ALL been upstate. So my scale of measure is still crap from where it's really done. That's how 'awful' your bagels are here, Charlottesville. 

Why I like reading Reddit, a short story:

So... 

I was on Reddit and I was looking around at "TIFU" posts. If you're unfamiliar with "TIFU" it is an acronym for "Today I Fucked Up". 

The full length of the title of the post was "TIFU by admitting to my female best friend I took a glimpse at one of her tits"

The flyleaf to this book was interesting, so obviously, I was eager to see how this story turned out. I clicked and read, knowing full well this is like reading a book about the Titanic, you just know how it's going to end. It's a story told throughout time by many men. 

The short version is that this individual had a female best friend who was not wearing a bra whilst wearing a button up shirt, and as all good young men do, proceeded to investigate further. Apparently at some point in this maneuvering, she noticed, said nothing, he was embarrassed, and nothing was said in the moment. They then moved on with their evening and that was that. 

Later that evening he messaged to apologize for what he had thought to be this incident worthy of apology. She replied that she had no recollection of the incident but thanked him for the apology and again moved on.
 
(Hours? days? weeks? months?) later they got into an argument and she then
weaponized this incident. Telling him that she would never find him sexually attractive
that nothing physical would ever happen between them. By all indications, it didn't appear as though
he was particularly interested in her in that sort of way outside of hormones doing what hormones do. 

But now he's posting about it on Reddit. 

The comments. 

Are. 

Hysterical: 

"What you wrote in the aftermath: 'So sorry for looking at your titty' 
What she read hours later: 'Been thinking about your titty for hours" 

and

"If she was unhappy about the text message, wait until she sees what was written on Reddit" 

and

"I've been looking through all of these posts... and I haven't seen the answer to the following:

Man sees best friends breast, friend is eventually upset, man loses best friend: 

But, was the breast worth it?"


Anyway: 

I don't know who people befriend. I friend proper ladies, not hussies. Apparently, historically, I've befriended the wrong people for this incident to occur amongst friends.

As an adult and knowing things, it makes me wonder in this particular scenario as to which of the two of them is lying? Someone was interested in someone... particularly considering the cacophony that ensued in the aftermath. 

Taking that into consideration: I know what a button-down shirt material is made of; There's a reason you can see into them. 

They're not backlit.

They're just this side of transparent - unless it's made of like... flannel.

For this reason, I know no women that go around, in front of men, braless whilst wearing them. I almost blame women in this scenario. Can we be honest? - you know what you're doing. The reason the push-up bra was invented was because women know what they're doing. The absence entirely, in different way, is also knowing what you're doing. 

But ladies... Men need to be called out in that moment, you mean to tell me you don't notice when I am looking at you like this: 

Ya - ok. 

At this time, I would like to quote a passage from Jerry Seinfeld: 

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away" 

This is as good as it gets after years of training. No matter how nonchalant I'm trying to be in those moments, I always look like the above. It's the adult version of getting your hand caught in the cookie jar. I'm lucky in that moment I'm not caught drooling. I'm not stupid, you're not stupid, everyone including the dog knows what you're doing. 

In fact, this is the response you're looking for. 

The problem is when I'm not the person that you want to be getting that look from. 

-- ANNNNDDDD.... we've snapped back from 1998 and we're back in 2024. 

I think we'll leave it at that. 

Women

It's been a while.


Hi.


Would you believe I was having router issues?

So... I was on Facebook and one of my female friends did these quizzes that said "5 red flags about Nicole"


I said to myself "it's a Friday, why not try and lose a finger"

Anyway, her 5 red flags were:

"Has trust issues"
"Can be too honest at times"
"Drinks beer like water"
"Can be too emotional"
"Has Intimidating looks"

and her comment was: "All but one was spot on"


So... i put my hand into the lion's cage and said:

"OOOO-- this is a fun game, is the one that wasn't spot on "can be too emotional?" Because most of the women I know don't consider anger an emotion, they call it "Par for the course", particularly when dealing with me."

Her reply was:

"Nope, the beer one - i hate beer 🤣🤣"

then she continued in a second reply:
"and I'm a bit crazy in my old age"

and I was a bit befuddled on where to go from there as I felt as though it sort of baited me into a reply, a trap if I ever saw one, but again, I was in the 'lose a finger' mood so I said the following:

"I don't really know how to reply to all this. I have nothing to gain by agreeing in your craziness and everything to lose. Like... I feel like this whole 'red flags' thing was designed by a woman. No rational man with any life experience with a woman would suggest that any particular woman 'can be too emotional'

1. It's a redundant statement that comes with the territory of women. As a man, once you learn this, you learn to navigate it, poorly.

Imagine having a compass without any knowledge how to use it.

It's helpful, theoretically.

2. To tell a woman aloud that it's a 'red flag' that she 'can be too emotional' is the sort of conversation that death beds were designed for. If you're stupid enough to say it when you're healthy, it's sort of akin to sticking your hand in a bear trap while saying "I wonder what this cute thing does"

and another guy named Justin responded with a single emoji:

"🤔"

so I replied to this:

"Nicole, observe Justin's response.

Perfect.

He's verifying that he has noticed your acknowledgement of your red flags, but not going as far to agree with them or offer up secondary options. His response at all is quite bold. He's probably an alpha male"

And that is currently where the conversations sits.

I need to start writing a book to pass on to future generations.

I'll be sure to leave like... 5 pages blank at the end so that those future generations will have enough space to add more to what we don't already know. It's humorous to think that we'd only need 5 pages... It's more a statement of principle that the book is ongoing. If I gave the actual amount of paper, you'd have to set up a blank paper subscription at the time of purchase of my book.

Confrontation

It would seem that those who have troubles with confrontation, would remain non confrontational. Logical, even wrapped up in a nice little circular package too, Right? 

The reason things are seen as confrontational is because confrontation usually involves controversy, opposition, and a fundamental disagreement between one party and another. This often will lead to one party being displeased, angry, upset, et. Al. 

This is why confrontation is generally considered unpleasant.

Not to me.

Not anymore. 

Referee a few soccer games, you'll either run off the field and never do it again, or after a few hundred games you'll adjust or simply become desensitized. 

Earlier this week I dealt with a person who was being confrontational, but instead hid behind the guise of "I'm not comfortable with confrontation."

***person confronting is not comfortable with confrontation... Enter possible confusion...* 

I then I said my piece which was responded to with "please don't talk back, I just told you I'm not comfortable with confrontation."

***yup, full on confusion***

...This seems like a "you" problem.

You know what you're getting into... It's confrontation -- You said it outloud! It's everything your mind planned it to be based on the definition by the English language! As if somehow your lack of comfort is a legitimate excuse for disposal of my side of the the story/problem/disagreement. 

How does that work!?!?

I think what you're looking for is order, not confrontation. 

Confrontation implies there a second side. Order does not.

When you confront, you are lending yourself to being confronted -- the cards have all been laid out. 

So here's a suggestion: don't like confrontation? -- don't be confrontational.

I can handle it.

Can you?

Man up.